Why we lost.......

The Number 1 Test team in the world lost narrowly to the Number 2 Test team in the world by an innings in the just concluded Nagpur test. The BCCI, being the proactive organization that it is, has already sprung into action. The following are some of the actions being taken -

- A high-powered committee has been established to look into the ground and facilities at the Nagpur stadium. This committee will work to establish blame for this loss, and the committee members have already checked into a 5-star hotel in the city for their investigation. Their committee members are hard at work and they are expected to report their results in less than six months.

- A strategy panel has been looking into the mysterious decline of young Indian bowlers at the age of 20. A board official explained off the record that repeatedly over the past few years we have had young fast bowlers come up in domestic cricket who bowled consistently at 140 or there abouts, but as soon as they hit the age of 20-21, their pace declined to 120+ on a good day. The strategy panel found that the increase in age was responsible for this decline, just as suspected by the Board. Further, the panel has recommended that selection in future should be confined to only players under 19. The promising bowlers over 20 who have lost their pace will be encouraged to take up spin bowling. This will help mitigate the current unprecedented shortage of Spin bowlers in Indian cricket.

- Team selection has cornered a lot of the blame, and a high powered investigation team has begun to look into the workings of the selection panel before the Nagpur test. This team will examine everything from the selectors’ diet to the models and usage of their mobile phones during selection meetings to ascertain how such a shit team was selected in the first place, when we had Manish Pandey and Abhishek Nair who had scored runs against this same attack less than a week ago. The omission of Pandey and Virat Kohli specially has raised many eyebrows because the board felt that being team members of Dale Steyn and Jacques Kallis in the IPL, the respective Saffers would have been reluctant to dismiss cheaply the two batsmen mentioned. A board member, speaking on condition of anonymity told this correspondent that the Indian team had already been weakened in this respect by Dravid’s unavailability due to injury, and the exclusion of Pandey and Kohli only served to anger Steyn and Kallis more, which was one of the reasons why India lost.

- Finally, the BCCI in a press release apologized to the Number 8 fans in the world of the Number 1 Test team in the world : We, the Board, apologize for assuming that after the Indian team achieved the Number 1 ranking in Tests, our fans would also automatically become the Number 1 fans in the world. We have since realized our mistake and sincerely apologize for it. An objective survey has established that while the Indian team is the Number 1 in the world, our Indian fans are actually ranked Number 8 in the world, behind Bangladesh and West Indies and just above Zimbabwe. While our team has won many narrow victories and avoided defeat on other occasions through hard work and fighting spirit, our fans consistently last only 3 days, and many actually don't even last the first full day. In the current Nagpur test, 38.7% of the fans were already predicting defeat and finding blame to go around by the 3rd session of the first day. For the good of Indian Cricket it is not enough that the team should be Number 1 as long as the fans retain their Number 8 mindset and admit defeat faster than the fucking French. The BCCI will immediately extend its proven and tested strategy of awarding cash prices for ranking improvements to our fans. For each ranking improvement achieved by our fans, the BCCI will reward each and every fan with Rs. 5 Lakhs cash. For example, if our fans could just stop moaning like bitches and blaming the players, the selectors, the board, the captain, the coash, the tactics and the grounds at every defeat, we will be better than the whining and complaining Number 7 ranked West Indies fans. This will result in Rs 5 Lakhs to each and every fan. The board sincerely hopes that the fans will respond positively to the economic incentive and begin working towards better ranking right away.